SWINE FLU TIP

DON'T DO THIS!!!!!

5-6-7-8...Step Bump, Step Bump Bump!

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HA! I love it! ........"No, I'm just drunk."
~~~

NEW BREAKFAST!

Have you heard about the new breakfast promotion Denny’s is running in tribute to OctoMom?

It has:

14 Eggs, No Sausage, and the person in the next booth pays for it.

Ha! Ha! :-)
~~~

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means one-half hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome (This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - which is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' -- that will bring on a 'whatever'.)
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement , meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking, 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response, refer to # 3.

~~~

the best car accessory ever...

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
~~~
(taken from a goofy forwarded email I received)

when pumpkins drink....

In honor of Friday...and the Halloween season up on us.....

When pumpkins drink....................too much....

Halloween is just 3 weeks away!!!
~~~

Do You Really Know Your Partner?

When they say: "Go out with your friends. Have a blast."
What she means: I could really use a night alone to wax my upper lip, watch Monk and eat that bag of Chips Ahoy I've got hidden in the pantry.
What he means: Next time I want to go for beers with Kyle, remember what a flexible guy I am.

When they say: "Those girls/guys are totally checking you out."
What she means: What she means is: If you look back I'll scratch your eyes out.
What he means: You'd never cheat on me, right?

When they say: "I don't want to talk about it now."
What she means: I'll blind side you later when you think I've forgotten all about it. Then we'll talk it to death.
What he means: I don't want to talk about it....ever.

When they say: "What was your ex like?"
What she means: Was she prettier than me?
What he means: Was he better than me in bed and how much money did he make?

When they say: "Did you pick up the dry-cleaning?"
What she means: Do I have to do everything around here?
What he means: What do you do all day, anyway?

When they say: "I really missed you."
What she means: Did you miss me?
What he means: I realized how much I really like you.

When they say: "I'm not looking to get into a long-term relationship right now."
What she means: I don't think you're the one so prepare yourself to get dumped.
What he means: I'm only available for casual sex.

When they say: "Are you close to your family?"
What she means: I'm available to meet them this weekend.
What he means: Have you talked about me yet?

When they say: "I just don't know if we have chemistry."
What she means: I'm not attracted to you. Never have been, never will be.
What he means: Let's see what happens if you lay off the Ben & Jerry's for a few months.

When they say: "I only have a cell phone number."
What she means: You can't have my home number because I might screen you.
What he means: You can't have my home number because I'm married.

When they say: "Do you want a mint?"
What she means: Your breath stinks.
What he means: Do you want a mint?

When they say: "Let's split the bill."
What she means: I don't like you and I don't want to owe you anything.
What he means: This definitely isn't going to work out if you order an appetizer and dessert every time we go out.

When they say: "nothing" is wrong.
What she means: I need to punish you a bit longer with the silent treatment before letting you have it.
What he means: The sound of your voice is giving me hives. Can you PLEASE just let me watch TV in peace?

When they say: "I meant to call but it got too late."
What she means: I wanted to watch Oprah and you're boring on the phone.
What he means: I was having such a good time I didn't even think about you.

When they say: "Call me after the party."
What she means: I want to make sure you're home, sober and alone.
What he means: I want to make sure you're alone.

When they say: "We need to talk."
What she means: You're failing me again. Let's discuss.
What he means: It's over.

When they say: "I really want a small wedding."
What she means: Just the family and 160 of my closest friends.
What he means: Let's fly to Vegas.

When they say: "Do you like camping?"
What she means: Do I have to pretend I like sleeping in a tent?
What he means: Are you low maintenance?

When they say: "I don't want anything for my birthday."
What she means: This is a test of your creativity, thoughtfulness and commitment to our relationship. If you do not get me a birthday present, you will never be forgiven.
What he means: I'm feeling old and a little sorry for myself.

When they say: "What's with all the shopping bags?"
What she means: Are they for me?
What he means: I'm not made of money.

When they say: "I never got your message."
What she means: Just admit you forgot to call me back.
What he means: I forgot to call you back.

When they say: "I'll just have the salad."
What she means: I'm on a diet again.
What he means: I was too hungry to wait so I grabbed a burger after work with the guys.

When they say: "I don't cook."
What she means: Expect nothing from me on the domestic front.
What he means: My mom is a great cook. I hope you are too.

emailed to me from USA Network.....go figure.