To Breed Or Not To Breed...

my ramblings...

Bobby and I had a quick, but thought provoking conversation over dinner last night. I am not even sure how it came up, but he absolutely pegged the feelings I was having. He shares my worry and anticipation.

I worry about being a Mom. Will I be a good one, or just completely terrible at it? I already feel too busy...never enough time to finish all the projects I've already started. Not to mention all the ones I want to start and haven't yet.

Am I too set in my ways to change my lifestyle as necessary for a child? I have been living my life for me (and screwing it up) for over 30 years, how do I start living my life for someone else (and not screw theirs up)?
I appreciate my quiet evenings at home surfing the net, or watching TV, or reading a book....that will be gone for many years. I appreciate my alone time with Bobby...how will that be affected with a new edition?
I love to shop and get a high buying new clothes or things for the house. There are still so many things I'd like to get for the house, and home-improvement projects that we've talked about doing for awhile. Will that all fall to the wayside? I know priorities shift, but those things are important to me too.

Will there ever be enough money, or will it be a constant struggle? I've seen the dollar amount they attach to the price of raising a child and it freaking scares me! How do people do it? We are fine financially, but I still get grounded from Target from time to time...and Bobby feels that we are never putting enough in savings.
And then there is this... I really want to give my child/children everything. Everything. My husband & I have already begun that battle. And it doesn't look good for my side.

Will I regret it? Will I always wonder how our lives would have been different if we had not fallen into the trap of thinking we had to pro-create?
Worse than that......Would I regret it even more if we don't have children?

Is it even fair to bring a child into this world? Is it completely selfish not to?

My feelings about this are pretty much on a non-stop roller coaster and they have been for awhile. The highs and lows are not daily or weekly...each turn of my feelings lasts much longer than that. Usually something gets in my head to cause the change in direction.
Obviously I am currently in the questioning phase... It just so happens that I will be spending some time with a friend and her 6 month old this weekend. I wonder if that will change my direction again....or put me deeper in my current phase...

I think if Bobby was super excited and completely sold on the idea of having kids then that would most likely sway my feelings. Problem is, he is not. He has the same worries and questions I do, and he goes through his own phases with this.

Since we are now both in the same phase, maybe we are making the right decision by going to church on Sunday. It might be best to take this to a higher source.
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